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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Breaking up?

So the guy I mentioned going on a date with before became my boyfriend. We've only been dating a couple weeks. I wanted to wait to tell him about my being bipolar until we had been together for a while, but something from my past came up and he said he wanted us to lay all our cards on the table. He would share all of his baggage if I would share mine. I had more cards. He said he needed some time to think last night after our conversation. I made him promise that he would break up with me in person if he was going to break up with me. He called me this morning and said he wanted to come over for a bit this afternoon to talk. I think this is it. I think this is him breaking up with me. The really sad thing is...I really liked this guy. It sounds so stupid this early in our relationship to say that, but no one has ever treated me as good as he has. I mean he had all the other guys beat at day one. Every asshole I've ever been with has shown his stripes from the very beginning and I was stupid and dated them anyway. But this guy...he's different. He's a gentleman. He hasn't been pressuring me for sex (which you'd think any decent guy wouldn't at this point, but every other guy I've ever dated started pressuring after our first kiss), he calls me beautiful, he tells me he's happy he met me...these are all things I really should be expecting from ANY guy, but I just haven't been able to find them until now and I'm not ready to give them up.

Monday, April 18, 2011


I have a tendency to only write when I'm depressed, so I wanted to take this opportunity to write when I'm feeling good. I think my new medication is working for me (Depokote and Welbutrin). I went on another date and had a great time. He was really sweet and was so nervous to be there with me his poor straw wrapper didn't stand a chance. I still talk to Drew, but he's not a main feature of my life which is good because he has a tendency to send me swinging between mania and depression so quickly I can't keep up.

I just read  Talking About Bipolar Disorder isn’t “Playing the Victim” | Breaking Bipolar - HealthyPlace. I highly recommend checking it out if you have bipolar disorder. On the one hand it made me think about all the people who've made me feel like less of a person for not being able to "wish" my bipolar disorder away, but on the other hand it also made me think of all the times I've allowed my bipolar disorder to be an excuse for bad behavior (missing class, fights, stupid mistakes). Actually the funny thing is when I do use it as an excuse people tend to get mad at me and tell me to stop making excuses, but if I don't they tell me that what I did or didn't do is perfectly justified because I was depressed/manic. Personally I think that I should let my own conscience be the judge of whether I'm making excuses or if I really was really having a rough patch. I know that the people who really care about me will be smart enough to tell when I'm making excuses and care enough to help me through the bad times.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Songs for Drew

When we were just friends: Kryptonite--3 Doors Down
When I started falling for him: Teardrops on My Guitar--Taylor Swift
When my mom made us stop being friends: My Immortal--Evanescence
When we dated the first time: Fifteen--Taylor Swift
When we dated the second time: Come in with the Rain--Taylor Swift
When he came back into my life: You Belong With Me--Taylor Swift
When we lost the baby: If I Die Young--The Band Perry
When he reacted to losing the baby: Cold as You--Taylor Swift
When we said goodbye "forever": Almost Lover--A Fine Frenzy
When I was missing him: Need You Now--Lady Antebellum
When I was missing "us": The Way I Loved You--Taylor Swift
When he came back and apologized: You're Not Sorry--Taylor Swift
When we decided to become friends again: What Do You Want--Jerrod Niemann
When he wanted to come to my rescue and help fix my problems: White Horse--Taylor Swift
When I realized I'm wasting my time on him: Wasted--Carrie Underwood
When I realized I couldn't live without him: Mad World--Donnie Darko

If anyone out there reads this....and really wants to know where my heart is (which clearly is all over the place from this playlist) listen to and analyze the lyrics of this song. I'm hurting. I'm torn.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I went on a date with someone new today and I gotta say it really sucks starting over. I mean....with my ex...I felt this instant connection with him. I haven't been able to get him out of my head since that day. Every guy I've dated since then...I haven't felt spark...nothing. The guy today was really sweet. He was a gentleman...he made me laugh. He bought my dinner and took me to a movie...but that spark just wasn't there. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel it again. I mean maybe I'll feel it with this guy later, but I just feel like if I had a relationship with him I'd just be forcing myself to feel something for him. I guess I just want the connection I had with my ex. People say that takes time, but it didn't. It was instant. I knew I wanted him from the start. I just want someone that I'll have that with again. I just keep hoping there's someone out there for me.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Now that he's back

Talking to him is like breathing...I'm finally smiling again. I know we'll never be together, but I know I need him in my life.

Monday, March 21, 2011


My ex just messaged me on Facebook...he's not engaged...she's not pregnant...apparently she lied about that...I'm not really sure what to think right now...because I've spent the last 7 months getting adjusted to the fact that he's going to be having babies with someone else and now he's not....just when I was starting to get used to the idea and accept that he was out of my life forever...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


My ex contacted my sister. The ex that I'm still in love with. The one I still dream about. The one that knocked up his ex girlfriend just two months after I lost our baby. He never talks to my sister. He never really did. For some reason he just wanted to call her and tell her about a contest his friend was holding. We haven't talked since August. Why is he calling my family? He's moved on. He has a life without me now and a baby on the way. If I can't have him why can't I just have a life without him. He's all I've ever wanted since I was fourteen years old. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not meant to be happy.

Friday, January 21, 2011

New quarter, new rut

It seems every time I start a new quarter at school I start out depressed and stressed. I finally start to feel happy, confident and successful and I feel ready to start school...and then it comes and the depression and anxiety come with it. My dreams are all nightmares. I toss and turn while I see myself in the hospital with no way to pay the bill, fighting with my ex-roommate, or generally in distress. I'm tired of nightmares, I just want to sleep peacefully at night. I want to be able to wake up feeling refreshed and not anxious and depressed. I know eventually I'll stabilize again, but I'm just so sick of swinging back and forth.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Still Sick

This cold doesn't want to leave me. I'm still waking up coughing in the middle of the night. The sore throat is gone mostly though. I just want to be done so I can get back to sleeping through the night.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sick sick sick

I have the flu. Isn't it amazing how physical illness can effect emotional health as well? I'm all over the place's terrible...not to mention the coughing and sore throat and body aches.

Saturday, January 1, 2011


Happy New Year everyone. I'm really crossing my fingers that this one works out better for me than the last. I really feel like I lost everything last year. I've just started Depokote since the Abilify was giving me some major anxiety. There's a specific name for the type of anxiety it gave me, but I can't remember what it's called. If anyone knows anything about Depokote and has some advice for me let me know. Hey, I'm even open to suggestions about what to try next if it doesn't work since this is the third medication I've gone through in about a month. Check out my Medications page for more about that.
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