Anxiety

So the holidays were torture with this anxiety I've been having. I think it's the Welbutrin...online it says it can cause that. Hopefully my doctor will email me back soon and let me know =/

**Turns out it was the Abilify not the Welbutrin**

Anxious

I'm still anxious and I've taken my max of Klonopin today. I'm actually physically exhausted from just being high strung all day. I can't sit still and I can't focus on any one thing for too long. It's really unpleasant and bordering on manic....

Restless

I can't sit still, but I can't just pace all day. I just wanna get out, but the rain and the lack of a car prevent me. I'm just so irritable and restless. Maybe it's a side effect of the new meds I've been taking...(anyone know anything about Abilify?) . More likely it's because I still don't have my anxiety meds. I really would kill for the Klonopin under someone's fingernails right now. I kinda wanna sleep and make it go away, but I'm too restless and anxious to let myself. It's almost as if I'm afraid something's trying to catch up with me and I just have to keep moving or typing to keep it at bay. Even sitting here typing is driving me a little mad, but it's better than the pacing.

Bipolar Writing

I've  been a writer for as long as I can remember. I've always written more about the darker elements of life. As a nine year old I wrote a story about a girl who was abused, and I never personally was abused, I just wanted to talk about what a terrible thing child abuse was. Lately I haven't had much time for creative writing. I've been working for Demand Studios for about two years now and I think that's cut down on my creative writing a lot. I mean I'm writing....but they're all non-fiction articles about bipolar disorder and mental health in general (you should check them out by the way, I've got links to them under my twitter widget).

I almost feel like I'm losing an important part of myself. Writing is supposed to be who I am. I'm bipolar and I'm a writer. I'm never going to stop being bipolar, but by not being a writer anymore it's like half of who I am is disappearing. I've been trying to write lately, but I just feel like my inspiration is missing. I've got story ideas, but I can't get more than a page or two down. I keep hoping that if I keep forcing it, eventually the creative juices will start flowing again, but I'm afraid that all that will come out is something stupid no one will ever want to read.

Anxiety

I'm staying with my Aunt Robin this week, but I forgot my anti-anxiety medication, so I've been a little stressed to say the least. Earlier today I had an anxiety attack when I was trying to drive to target and got a little lost. I love spending time with my aunt, but I can't wait to get home to my Klonopin.

SparkPeople

So I think I've given up on writing my story for now. My current obsession is SparkPeople.com and the race to get back into shape. I don't think I've mentioned it but I'm 167lbs. I was 187 last year so it's coming off, but I want to be a healthy weight...somewhere between 110-120 (I'm short so for me this is healthy). I've been a member of SparkPeople for a while, but I'm just starting to really get into it. My goal is to be at my target weight by July.

Bored

I'm not really sure what to write today. I feel more inspired at night. I'm just sitting in my room waiting for the food in my stomach to digest so I can go take a run on the treadmill. It's supposed to help reduce anxiety and mania. Personally I find it helps with anxiety, but the endorphins make me feel slightly hypomanic. I'm hoping that maybe that will give me some inspiration on what to write. I've had this story idea running around in my head since NaNoWriMo (my sister gets really into that) and I just wanna start getting it on paper, but I'm stuck.

My history

It's amazing how some things can still bring me to tears. I've just finished posting my history and I'm sitting in my bed crying like a little baby. Maybe I should get some sleep.

Getting Started

I'm starting this blog for many reasons I suppose. When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 11, I felt lost. I felt like I was suddenly this crazy person and no one would ever understand me. A quick search on the internet lead me to a blog of a woman who had been living with Bipolar Disorder for EIGHTY YEARS. It gave me hope. If she could make it that long I could too. Her blog basically just detailed her experiences with medications, depression, mania and anything else related to bipolar disorder. She had at one point even been on the same medications as me and her honesty about some of the more awkward side effects (like not being able to tell reality from dream) helped me to understand what I was experiencing and feel like less of a freak. So I suppose that's one of my main reasons for doing this. I guess I'm also kind of doing this for me. I want to be heard. I want people to know that YES people with bipolar disorder do act crazy sometimes. We get depressed and cut ourselves and cry and scream. We get manic and we run away and spend tons of money and feel on top of the world. What I've found most people don't understand is we do did not ASK to be this way. We did not CHOOSE to be this way. I want people to read this and understand that I'm a person, not a freak, not a mental patient and I have a voice.