Where I am today

So that was all about where I've been....now this is where I am...I'm back in my old apartment. In September I had gotten an apartment with my sister and brother-in-law and started on my Ph.D in Clinical Psychology. I quickly ran out of steam and that's how I ended up in the hos3 pital, but now I'm back at the apartment....jobless and without income. My old roommates have moved out and now instead I live with my fiance and our 3 best friends. You'd think that would be enough to help us get by, but we're ALL bipolar and only 2 of us have our diplomas. Even though I have a BA I can't even find a real job!! One of my roommates and I were doing windshield repair for a while, but we could barely afford the gas driving to work and it didn't really help us pay for the rent at all. Right now we're already late for our rent since we paid for July on the day August was due. We have to come up with $801 by Monday....not to mention the $300 I owe my parents for helping us pay for July. I get paid my last check on Monday, but knowing that job it'll only be about $200 for two weeks of FULL TIME OVERTIME work. We've managed to come up with about $40 washing windshields for people in parking lots. We've got about another $10 in cans and bottles (woo hoo dumpster diving!) I'm also trying to sell a $200 Harley Davidson jacket for $20. I was completely stable after the STAY, but the stress of it all has got me back into hardcore mood swings. I guess that's what's brought me back to this blog. It's a great way to vent about all of this bullshit AND God willing I'll make a couple bucks through Adsense. It never hurts to try right?

Wow it's been a while....

Well I'm back on here. Seems like it's been forever. I went into the hospital in April with a sever mixed episode...primarily manic. I spent the next week in the ER at Desert Valley. That was the first time I had ever been there in my life and I know I never want to go there again. They don't know how to handle a psychiatric emergency at all...not even a little. They tried giving me my normal dose of Depokote to bring me down and it was completely ineffective. I told them such and they ignored me. I finally got so "high" that I lost control and blacked out. I apparently attacked a nurse which was hard for me to accept at first because I've never attacked ANYONE not even my sister! They had to sedate me and finally I got some sleep, but come 10pm the next night they didn't want to sedate me again and I was up until 3 trying to sleep with a pulse of 130 and a BP of 170/90 (which is insane considering I usually have LOW blood pressure). This time they sedated me so severely I shit myself in my sleep which was horrible and embarrassing.

After a week of this nonsense they sent me to Arrowhead Regional on a 5150. I spent a week there as well. They have a special ER ward for psych patients which was nice in some ways and not so much in others. They treated us all like we were animals. They yelled at us if we asked too many questions. They said terrible things about us right in front of our faces as if we were too crazy to understand. By the time I was ready to be transferred to the main ward I wished I had never taken myself to the ER and had just killed myself instead. I walked with my head hung low and slept all day. The main ward was much better. The food was still terrible, but the staff actually treated me like a human being. However, due to overcrowding issues they tried to send me home while I was still suicidal!

I allowed them to release me and went to the STAY. If you are 18-25 and have any kind of psychiatric disorder and no other place to go this is where you want to be. It's a 30-90 day say and they feed you GOOD. You're allowed some freedoms such as going out on passes. You see the Doctor 1-3 times a week depending on your need. The staff quickly become your family and friends. I cried when I left, but it was good to get out and get some freedom. Once you're out as long as you don't have any felonies or recent drug use they'll send you to the TAY housing which is basically like an apartment you share with 3-4 other people. It's a great program and they really help you get better. I HIGHLY recommend it. If you go there tell Miss Nancy hi for me and give her a big hug. She was like a mother to me. She's full of love and advice and even cross words when you need them. The STAY is like a big family that works together to get you well.

Breaking up?

So the guy I mentioned going on a date with before became my boyfriend. We've only been dating a couple weeks. I wanted to wait to tell him about my being bipolar until we had been together for a while, but something from my past came up and he said he wanted us to lay all our cards on the table. He would share all of his baggage if I would share mine. I had more cards. He said he needed some time to think last night after our conversation. I made him promise that he would break up with me in person if he was going to break up with me. He called me this morning and said he wanted to come over for a bit this afternoon to talk. I think this is it. I think this is him breaking up with me. The really sad thing is...I really liked this guy. It sounds so stupid this early in our relationship to say that, but no one has ever treated me as good as he has. I mean he had all the other guys beat at day one. Every asshole I've ever been with has shown his stripes from the very beginning and I was stupid and dated them anyway. But this guy...he's different. He's a gentleman. He hasn't been pressuring me for sex (which you'd think any decent guy wouldn't at this point, but every other guy I've ever dated started pressuring after our first kiss), he calls me beautiful, he tells me he's happy he met me...these are all things I really should be expecting from ANY guy, but I just haven't been able to find them until now and I'm not ready to give them up.

Update

I have a tendency to only write when I'm depressed, so I wanted to take this opportunity to write when I'm feeling good. I think my new medication is working for me (Depokote and Welbutrin). I went on another date and had a great time. He was really sweet and was so nervous to be there with me his poor straw wrapper didn't stand a chance. I still talk to Drew, but he's not a main feature of my life which is good because he has a tendency to send me swinging between mania and depression so quickly I can't keep up.

I just read  Talking About Bipolar Disorder isn’t “Playing the Victim” | Breaking Bipolar - HealthyPlace. I highly recommend checking it out if you have bipolar disorder. On the one hand it made me think about all the people who've made me feel like less of a person for not being able to "wish" my bipolar disorder away, but on the other hand it also made me think of all the times I've allowed my bipolar disorder to be an excuse for bad behavior (missing class, fights, stupid mistakes). Actually the funny thing is when I do use it as an excuse people tend to get mad at me and tell me to stop making excuses, but if I don't they tell me that what I did or didn't do is perfectly justified because I was depressed/manic. Personally I think that I should let my own conscience be the judge of whether I'm making excuses or if I really was really having a rough patch. I know that the people who really care about me will be smart enough to tell when I'm making excuses and care enough to help me through the bad times.

Songs for Drew

When we were just friends: Kryptonite--3 Doors Down
When I started falling for him: Teardrops on My Guitar--Taylor Swift
When my mom made us stop being friends: My Immortal--Evanescence
When we dated the first time: Fifteen--Taylor Swift
When we dated the second time: Come in with the Rain--Taylor Swift
When he came back into my life: You Belong With Me--Taylor Swift
When we lost the baby: If I Die Young--The Band Perry
When he reacted to losing the baby: Cold as You--Taylor Swift
When we said goodbye "forever": Almost Lover--A Fine Frenzy
When I was missing him: Need You Now--Lady Antebellum
When I was missing "us": The Way I Loved You--Taylor Swift
When he came back and apologized: You're Not Sorry--Taylor Swift
When we decided to become friends again: What Do You Want--Jerrod Niemann
When he wanted to come to my rescue and help fix my problems: White Horse--Taylor Swift
When I realized I'm wasting my time on him: Wasted--Carrie Underwood
When I realized I couldn't live without him: Mad World--Donnie Darko


If anyone out there reads this....and really wants to know where my heart is (which clearly is all over the place from this playlist) listen to and analyze the lyrics of this song. I'm hurting. I'm torn.

Dating

I went on a date with someone new today and I gotta say it really sucks starting over. I mean....with my ex...I felt this instant connection with him. I haven't been able to get him out of my head since that day. Every guy I've dated since then...I haven't felt anything...no spark...nothing. The guy today was really sweet. He was a gentleman...he made me laugh. He bought my dinner and took me to a movie...but that spark just wasn't there. I wonder if I'm ever going to feel it again. I mean maybe I'll feel it with this guy later, but I just feel like if I had a relationship with him I'd just be forcing myself to feel something for him. I guess I just want the connection I had with my ex. People say that takes time, but it didn't. It was instant. I knew I wanted him from the start. I just want someone that I'll have that with again. I just keep hoping there's someone out there for me.

Now that he's back

Talking to him is like breathing...I'm finally smiling again. I know we'll never be together, but I know I need him in my life.